What do dreams mean?

I had the strangest dream last night. This beautiful boy Troy came to my house last night.(not the dream).

We were sitting in lawn chairs and he looked at me and said, "It is like iced tea and milkshakes Annie, they are made out of different substances. It just won't work between us." This made me really mad, so I turned to him and said, "you don't even know me. We have only hung out a couple times." Then I left.

The scene changed and I was at a party and he came into the room and walked right towards me. He was dressed up and wearing a tie and shirt. I grabbed his tie and pulled him into the other room where I apologized for being room. He looked at me and said, "I changed my mind." He then leaned in an barely kissed my lips and whispered, "but patience annie."

The dream is still fresh in my mind. My mom and dear friend have been talking about dreams alot lately. Trying to figure out if they are from God and/or how to interpet them.

I wonder what this one means.

If Joseph was just here.

When you look in the mirror what do you see?

I think the problem is that we don't see His image.

I drove by a construction site. Four huge concrete tubes were stacked on top of each other. I was tempted to pull over the car and get out and climb inside one. It does not matter which one. I would just need a paint brush. I would need to write out my thoughts with really big broad strokes…red,yellow, black, blue, orange.

I WANT TO DO SOMETHING HUGE.

I WANT TO CHANGE LIVES.

I WANT MY LIFE CHANGED.

But instead I kept driving. I drove and stepped into a small coffee shop on the outskirts of my town. I sat down and dreamt of the concrete tubes. I wouldn’t be in them forever just long enough to get it all down. Will you watch and wait while I get it all down?

All of this time spent in the city I have grown up in has got me thinking. Last night I had a dream that I bought a piece of furniture. It was over priced and gigantic. It was an armoire of sorts. At first sight I loved it so naturally I brought it with me everywhere. It was hell transporting it. I must have rented a truck or for that matter a semi. And I searched the whole town looking for the perfect house to fit and match my new piece of life…so to speak. I would haul and shove and push it into these beautiful ancient houses only to quickly decide that it did not suit the armoire correctly. After much labor and much sweating, I am sure, I could not find a house. And there I was left with this oversized piece of furniture and nowhere to live. And suddenly I really looked at the armoire and I inspected it. I looked at the antique carvings and the big brass handles and I opened the doors and saw an empty space that smelled of moth balls and oldness. And I didn’t like it. I must have bought so suddenly because I was swayed upon first sight. And I actually hated it.

I think I would have traded it for an hour in the concrete tube to figure out what I really want. To inspect and touch and feel and thoroughly decide. Because I do not want to go through life having thought that I know what I want and need and everything else will fit and then miss God’s promises. I guess it is not about taking my life and making it fit into the perfect house that will accent the brass handles but more about being able to adjust when I need to…when I am called to. Because having to haul a semi-truck everywhere I go is too much and I think that for now I will paint huge thoughts and not tug along all the added weight that I don’t really like anyways.

Mending Relationships

Part of being in Grand Rapids is mending relationships that are messed up in my life. Two days ago my brother danny and I had a converstation I have been waiting to have for years. It was epic. I feell inspired...and in my inspiration I sent Joseph...the one that stole my heart with out my knowledge....I hope that someday it will be ok with him and I but I have finally realized I do not have control.

This is the message:

i texted you but you don't tend to respond...which is ok...given our history and all. i am currently in grand rapids getting my life together..so to speak. that mainly means making money, and being highly involved in my fathers church. i will be back in january. anyways...the sermon this sunday was on forgiveness. the pastor spoke of how we cannot recieve Christ's forgiveness unless we are giving forgiveness. Jospeh I am not sure that I am mad at you or that I am secretly harboring mean feelings towards you. I think that the sermon just reminded me that I needed to mend something that fell apart along time ago. And dear friend that does not mean being best friends again or really even communicating often. It simply means that we are connected by the blood of Christ, the gracious, powerful, unending love of our Savior. And knowing that I must tell you I am sorry. I am sorry for all that went wrong and all that I screwed up. You were truly a good friend. Joseph you were the first person that taught me that I am loved as I am...thank you so much. you need not respond to this. I just needed to tell you that I love you..and nothing will break that. Because I love you with the unfailing, fervent, lavish love of Christ. Upon seeing you at the wedding I realized that you were happy...so i distanced myself for fear I would somehow screw it up....which is silly i know..anyways at the wedding I caught a glimpse of the friend i fell in love with (platonically mind you) and i was so happy and saddened that I could not be apart of it...apart of you furthering the kingdom. Jospeh you can do this....i know you so well and you are equipped because you have the Lord on your side and He does not fail. so enter this new phase of your life with that in the front of your mind....HE CANNOT FAIL...and that doesn't mean you will become a doctor or that you will do what you expect...it just means he will use you for anything you choose to do...and that my friend is more epic than surgery...and the Lord is good. I can only hope and pray that someday our wounds will heal and transform our minds to fully be honest friends...until then.
love,annie holladay

"if we have no peace, it is because we have forgotten that we belong to eachother"

-mother teresa

Every night I have been going to sleep listening to Harry Potter.

------and therefore every night I dream of spells, wizards, owls, brooms, and grand friends.

And everynight I love going to bed!

HOME AGAIN HOME AGAIN.....

I am indeed home....it took quite awhile to finally get here.
I am glad.
I am scared.
I am happy.
I miss north carolina.

but i want my entire heart to be here while i am here no matter how long it is.

"Tiny Sailormen"

When I was a child my father hid tiny sailormen in my room
but i cannot forget you; forget not to remember
My head rest back to take in the night and I feel a little wooden piece graze my head
but i cannot feel you
I dress them up. I paint them. But still they remain. The paint chipping and the faces unregonizable.
but i cannot distort you
Years pass and I still come across them
but I cannot misplace you
So I line them up side by side and stare
for i cannot replace you

What is in a birthday.

The first person that ever told me that my words have life was Jessica Robbi Brown.  The first person that ever allowed me to experience empathy was Jessica Robbi Brown. The first person that ever fully pursued my friendship was Jessica Robbi Brown. The best thing that ever happened to me at Montreat College, hands down = Jessica Robbi Brown.

 There are those people that come into you life and quickly exit. There are those people that you are drawn to and then they quickly fade. And then there are the people that in-captivate you and somehow help explain who you are..as though your whole life you have been using right handed scissors when you are so clearly left handed and then you discover left-handed scissors. They have always existed.  Suddenly you simply cannot imagine life with out the correct scissors. Even if you leave them for a while, and start a new journey, you know they are always accessible. They become a part of you because you cannot do anything quite as well with out them. 

And then they turn 23 and you are not there and feel awful. Happy Birthday my dear. I am so sorry I am not there to tell you every minute it is your birthday and sing that incredibly annoying and over played Blink 182 song, "what's my age again?". 

So my dear, pretend I am there today.

 We are wearing crazy hats and dresses with cheetos in the pockets while waiting for the reasons to purchase an oversized, overpriced, and un-environmentally friendly Hummer.

We are drinking horrible wine coolers and talking about how we have changed and remained the same. And somehow we learn a little more about each other. 

We are singing dashboard to strangers warning them of the pains in life. 

We are in bible study watching Opie love the Lord in a way that is so innocent. "Praise God, knock on wood."

And we are driving everywhere. And stopping everywhere. Big Cows, a pretty river, abandoned houses of socks. And we are spending hours in a thrift store laughing so hard that we forget why we were ever sad. 

We are riding bikes around a lake and eating over priced, awful food. And drink blue margaritas. 

I am reading out loud to you. And we find the grace of God in the stories we share. We remember that he is good and active. We pray loud. We scream.

We are exploring random towns are pretending to be different people. We are laughing all the time. And eating footlong hotdogs are taking pictures of things that remind us of excitement. 

We are getting lost in the long corridors of endless words. And we don't talk because at this point a look says it all. 

And I am rescuing you at night from runaway midnight trains. And Ray is there and "We love it."

We get tattoos of images we wish were always with us. 

We are on the beach singing come thou font loud and getting out all our frustration of past loves. We are receiving directions to unknown location from extravagant strangers. And we are dancing. Like crazy. And we are happy. We are together. 

You are my left handed scissors. Thank you for always being there for me. Thank you for being accessible. Thank you for reminding me that I am loved as I am. And that "all the secrets of fitness and all the fitness he requires is to feel his love for you (me rather)."

Thank you for being silly and serious and letting me make mistakes and keeping me accountable. Thank you for for listening and speaking words in my life. Thank you for loving the things I love. Thank you for being constant. Thank you for you love.

I love you, kid. More than this random, silly, blogging site could explain.

 love,

annie

damn dog.

i do not know what my problem is.

i feel like i annoy everyone in the collective sometime. but they always assure me i do not.

i hate it when i am insecure because it is so seldom.

anyways...i feel better about it today.

hope i don't annoy you.

brandon=annie

i love this boy so much.

he is my hope for all guy friends.

it can happen!

let me lead you to hope

some times Jessica i want you to enter my mind. i think about things a lot. i wish that i could explain how my brain works.

---------entering--------------------------------

---->for instance. the whole bradley situation.

-i think about him-
- and then jentil -
-and jentil-
- and then him-

`today i want to run to him and grab him and tell him that it will all be ok and that i can take care of him. yesterday i was content with never talking to him again. hearts are so fickle. or maybe it is not hearts but feelings and emotions...which might be the same. all i know is it always is christmas where i think about my relationships a drastic amount more.


~something that keeps coming up in my mind is bradley and hope. bradley has no hope in people or situations and i do in almost every person and situation. this is one aspect of me i think that bradley really liked and admired. and all i can think these last couple of days is how i want to always be bradleys hope. dating or not dating. romance or friendship. i want him to always be able to call me and know beyond a shadow of a doubt that i will be hopeful in all that he shares. i think i do this already. i think he knows this already. but as the new year approaches i want to do this in my life for more people. be their hope....well not their hope but direct them to the ultimate hope. that no matter how awful the situation they can come to me and i can remind them that there is more. that there is a way out and it has already been conquered.





---------------i hope this allowed you to enter my mind a little.---------------------------------





-one last thing. i want to call bradley and say, " don't worry i will be your hope bradley." i often imagine myself doing this and bradley smiling and saying, "i know, you always are."
=because i love him so much that no matter if i am a permanent part of his life or simply a passing phase i want him happy. i want him to laugh. more and hard. and to not take life so seriously all of the time. and to dance. i want hope in Christ for him.

Frantic Family.

This is me and calvin in the snow. He is cold and I am holding him close to my chest.

The snow behind me reminds me of my mothers prayer the other day, "Lord allow us to be reminded by the snow that the Lord washes our sins white as snow."

Being home is good. I love family.

I still like Scott. But I think it will go away. In all honesty it is nice to like a boy other than the usual j's and bradley. Yesterday Adyson asked me when I was going to get married and I told her a long time. And Calvin said as long as it taked from you to grow as tall as the ceiling....I think this might be true. But I am not worried...not even one bit...i will get married.

Let's just hope that my husband can handle my family.

Help I have fallen and can't get up.

Bradley is mean lately. I need a break. For boys. What should I do?

My parents are too cool for School.

And it is days like today that remind me of the incredible blessing of my parents. My parents are active saturday goers. They like to get up and go out to breakfast and then take a road trip. Where? Well it depends. Apple picking, garage sailing, just simply driving.

I often hear my friends complaining about their parents. How they hate spending time with them. They simply don't understand them. They often complain about how their parents faith is so overwhelming.

I have never ever felt this once. I love spending time with my parents. They are far cooler than I am. And not only that but I want all of my friends to meet them and spend time with them. Because their faith is so honest and active that when you spend time with them it is refreshing. It is like entering all the wonderful aspects of Christianity, the things that our postmodern generation has forgotten about.

As a child I have never seen the Grace of God so clearly as I do in my parents. They understand the goodness of Christ's mercies.

When I called my father after he lost his job of 27 years, I said, "Dad are you freaking out?" and he said, "No, Annie I know who is in control. This is when my faith increases." Simply amazing, for a daughter to see the blinding faith of her father is wonderful. I often tell this story to my friends, and even as I type this a tear roles down my cheek because I am so thankful.

No matter what I do or do not do my parents will be there. I know this for sure.

As for my mother. Well I would have to write a novel to tell of how wonderful she is. She is beautiful beyond belief, and has no idea, but we all see it. She can make anything fun, a saturday becomes an adventure with her. And her interpretation of scripture is enlightening and fresh. It is because she is so active. She honestly is in love with the Lord. How many people do you meet like that? Few I will tell you.

Anyways I could write forever about the blessings of my parents but I am procrastinating a research paper. So all the to say, thanks mom and dad.

1 Peter 2:3 "Now that you have tasted that the Lord is good."

Dumb-founded

It was in the starbucks of Barne's and Nobles. I had driven three hours with the intentions of ending the relationship. All the reasons accounted for, the pro's and con's list in the passangers seat. It all made sense. Until I saw him. The first glance was through a car that was park in between him and I and even through those two windows of glass I could not resist him.

Naturally we spent the whole day together but the talk, ah the talk, was held at the Starbucks.

"I am not a spiritual leader, Annie. Why doesn't that bother you? Why aren't you with someone that is? You are settling"

I knew this. I was ignoring these questions couldn't he see that? Didn't he know that I was dumbing down that part of my life so that we could be together? Allowing for scripture to take the back burner in my life and conversation with him. It didn't need to though, he wanted to hear what I thought about Christianity.....I don't know why I didn't share. So it was so strange that I as the "Christian" was listening to him "as the....believer but not believer of the personal God" was being called out on scripture. He was commiting our relationship to the Lord. Oh man...Good thing Christ is in charge because obviously I fail.

I still like him. I still hope for a future but I am ok.
I am entering His rest.

This was the perfect afternoon.

VICTORY

VICTORY IN JESUS MY SAVIOR FOREVER!

It has finally come. When I least expect. The Lord broke all ties. I no longer and in love. Who knew that it would take me by surprise. Friendship.....real friendship for the first time.

As the fall approaches memories of jake leak into my mind and they feel different. They feel like a good memory with an old friend. Thank you Lord for your timing. Thank you for fall that now is a month of oppurtunity.

It is so funny that I was so attached to him because now when i think about it I cannot understand why? I am so better than pining.

I feel new.

I saw jake yesterday for the first time in months. Nothing was there......not even anywhere deep inside of me.

I wish Bradley would visit me? Am I being a silly girlfriend being aggravated that he hasn't visited yet? I mean i guess it has only been like a month and a week. That is silly. Maybe I will visit him this weekend. Ahhh but phil is coming!

he's fine.

at your request........bradley.

You remember when?

I miss these times.