I drove by a construction site. Four huge concrete tubes were stacked on top of each other. I was tempted to pull over the car and get out and climb inside one. It does not matter which one. I would just need a paint brush. I would need to write out my thoughts with really big broad strokes…red,yellow, black, blue, orange.

I WANT TO DO SOMETHING HUGE.

I WANT TO CHANGE LIVES.

I WANT MY LIFE CHANGED.

But instead I kept driving. I drove and stepped into a small coffee shop on the outskirts of my town. I sat down and dreamt of the concrete tubes. I wouldn’t be in them forever just long enough to get it all down. Will you watch and wait while I get it all down?

All of this time spent in the city I have grown up in has got me thinking. Last night I had a dream that I bought a piece of furniture. It was over priced and gigantic. It was an armoire of sorts. At first sight I loved it so naturally I brought it with me everywhere. It was hell transporting it. I must have rented a truck or for that matter a semi. And I searched the whole town looking for the perfect house to fit and match my new piece of life…so to speak. I would haul and shove and push it into these beautiful ancient houses only to quickly decide that it did not suit the armoire correctly. After much labor and much sweating, I am sure, I could not find a house. And there I was left with this oversized piece of furniture and nowhere to live. And suddenly I really looked at the armoire and I inspected it. I looked at the antique carvings and the big brass handles and I opened the doors and saw an empty space that smelled of moth balls and oldness. And I didn’t like it. I must have bought so suddenly because I was swayed upon first sight. And I actually hated it.

I think I would have traded it for an hour in the concrete tube to figure out what I really want. To inspect and touch and feel and thoroughly decide. Because I do not want to go through life having thought that I know what I want and need and everything else will fit and then miss God’s promises. I guess it is not about taking my life and making it fit into the perfect house that will accent the brass handles but more about being able to adjust when I need to…when I am called to. Because having to haul a semi-truck everywhere I go is too much and I think that for now I will paint huge thoughts and not tug along all the added weight that I don’t really like anyways.

Mending Relationships

Part of being in Grand Rapids is mending relationships that are messed up in my life. Two days ago my brother danny and I had a converstation I have been waiting to have for years. It was epic. I feell inspired...and in my inspiration I sent Joseph...the one that stole my heart with out my knowledge....I hope that someday it will be ok with him and I but I have finally realized I do not have control.

This is the message:

i texted you but you don't tend to respond...which is ok...given our history and all. i am currently in grand rapids getting my life together..so to speak. that mainly means making money, and being highly involved in my fathers church. i will be back in january. anyways...the sermon this sunday was on forgiveness. the pastor spoke of how we cannot recieve Christ's forgiveness unless we are giving forgiveness. Jospeh I am not sure that I am mad at you or that I am secretly harboring mean feelings towards you. I think that the sermon just reminded me that I needed to mend something that fell apart along time ago. And dear friend that does not mean being best friends again or really even communicating often. It simply means that we are connected by the blood of Christ, the gracious, powerful, unending love of our Savior. And knowing that I must tell you I am sorry. I am sorry for all that went wrong and all that I screwed up. You were truly a good friend. Joseph you were the first person that taught me that I am loved as I am...thank you so much. you need not respond to this. I just needed to tell you that I love you..and nothing will break that. Because I love you with the unfailing, fervent, lavish love of Christ. Upon seeing you at the wedding I realized that you were happy...so i distanced myself for fear I would somehow screw it up....which is silly i know..anyways at the wedding I caught a glimpse of the friend i fell in love with (platonically mind you) and i was so happy and saddened that I could not be apart of it...apart of you furthering the kingdom. Jospeh you can do this....i know you so well and you are equipped because you have the Lord on your side and He does not fail. so enter this new phase of your life with that in the front of your mind....HE CANNOT FAIL...and that doesn't mean you will become a doctor or that you will do what you expect...it just means he will use you for anything you choose to do...and that my friend is more epic than surgery...and the Lord is good. I can only hope and pray that someday our wounds will heal and transform our minds to fully be honest friends...until then.
love,annie holladay

"if we have no peace, it is because we have forgotten that we belong to eachother"

-mother teresa

Every night I have been going to sleep listening to Harry Potter.

------and therefore every night I dream of spells, wizards, owls, brooms, and grand friends.

And everynight I love going to bed!

HOME AGAIN HOME AGAIN.....

I am indeed home....it took quite awhile to finally get here.
I am glad.
I am scared.
I am happy.
I miss north carolina.

but i want my entire heart to be here while i am here no matter how long it is.

"Tiny Sailormen"

When I was a child my father hid tiny sailormen in my room
but i cannot forget you; forget not to remember
My head rest back to take in the night and I feel a little wooden piece graze my head
but i cannot feel you
I dress them up. I paint them. But still they remain. The paint chipping and the faces unregonizable.
but i cannot distort you
Years pass and I still come across them
but I cannot misplace you
So I line them up side by side and stare
for i cannot replace you

What is in a birthday.

The first person that ever told me that my words have life was Jessica Robbi Brown.  The first person that ever allowed me to experience empathy was Jessica Robbi Brown. The first person that ever fully pursued my friendship was Jessica Robbi Brown. The best thing that ever happened to me at Montreat College, hands down = Jessica Robbi Brown.

 There are those people that come into you life and quickly exit. There are those people that you are drawn to and then they quickly fade. And then there are the people that in-captivate you and somehow help explain who you are..as though your whole life you have been using right handed scissors when you are so clearly left handed and then you discover left-handed scissors. They have always existed.  Suddenly you simply cannot imagine life with out the correct scissors. Even if you leave them for a while, and start a new journey, you know they are always accessible. They become a part of you because you cannot do anything quite as well with out them. 

And then they turn 23 and you are not there and feel awful. Happy Birthday my dear. I am so sorry I am not there to tell you every minute it is your birthday and sing that incredibly annoying and over played Blink 182 song, "what's my age again?". 

So my dear, pretend I am there today.

 We are wearing crazy hats and dresses with cheetos in the pockets while waiting for the reasons to purchase an oversized, overpriced, and un-environmentally friendly Hummer.

We are drinking horrible wine coolers and talking about how we have changed and remained the same. And somehow we learn a little more about each other. 

We are singing dashboard to strangers warning them of the pains in life. 

We are in bible study watching Opie love the Lord in a way that is so innocent. "Praise God, knock on wood."

And we are driving everywhere. And stopping everywhere. Big Cows, a pretty river, abandoned houses of socks. And we are spending hours in a thrift store laughing so hard that we forget why we were ever sad. 

We are riding bikes around a lake and eating over priced, awful food. And drink blue margaritas. 

I am reading out loud to you. And we find the grace of God in the stories we share. We remember that he is good and active. We pray loud. We scream.

We are exploring random towns are pretending to be different people. We are laughing all the time. And eating footlong hotdogs are taking pictures of things that remind us of excitement. 

We are getting lost in the long corridors of endless words. And we don't talk because at this point a look says it all. 

And I am rescuing you at night from runaway midnight trains. And Ray is there and "We love it."

We get tattoos of images we wish were always with us. 

We are on the beach singing come thou font loud and getting out all our frustration of past loves. We are receiving directions to unknown location from extravagant strangers. And we are dancing. Like crazy. And we are happy. We are together. 

You are my left handed scissors. Thank you for always being there for me. Thank you for being accessible. Thank you for reminding me that I am loved as I am. And that "all the secrets of fitness and all the fitness he requires is to feel his love for you (me rather)."

Thank you for being silly and serious and letting me make mistakes and keeping me accountable. Thank you for for listening and speaking words in my life. Thank you for loving the things I love. Thank you for being constant. Thank you for you love.

I love you, kid. More than this random, silly, blogging site could explain.

 love,

annie

damn dog.

i do not know what my problem is.

i feel like i annoy everyone in the collective sometime. but they always assure me i do not.

i hate it when i am insecure because it is so seldom.

anyways...i feel better about it today.

hope i don't annoy you.