let me lead you to hope

some times Jessica i want you to enter my mind. i think about things a lot. i wish that i could explain how my brain works.

---------entering--------------------------------

---->for instance. the whole bradley situation.

-i think about him-
- and then jentil -
-and jentil-
- and then him-

`today i want to run to him and grab him and tell him that it will all be ok and that i can take care of him. yesterday i was content with never talking to him again. hearts are so fickle. or maybe it is not hearts but feelings and emotions...which might be the same. all i know is it always is christmas where i think about my relationships a drastic amount more.


~something that keeps coming up in my mind is bradley and hope. bradley has no hope in people or situations and i do in almost every person and situation. this is one aspect of me i think that bradley really liked and admired. and all i can think these last couple of days is how i want to always be bradleys hope. dating or not dating. romance or friendship. i want him to always be able to call me and know beyond a shadow of a doubt that i will be hopeful in all that he shares. i think i do this already. i think he knows this already. but as the new year approaches i want to do this in my life for more people. be their hope....well not their hope but direct them to the ultimate hope. that no matter how awful the situation they can come to me and i can remind them that there is more. that there is a way out and it has already been conquered.





---------------i hope this allowed you to enter my mind a little.---------------------------------





-one last thing. i want to call bradley and say, " don't worry i will be your hope bradley." i often imagine myself doing this and bradley smiling and saying, "i know, you always are."
=because i love him so much that no matter if i am a permanent part of his life or simply a passing phase i want him happy. i want him to laugh. more and hard. and to not take life so seriously all of the time. and to dance. i want hope in Christ for him.

Frantic Family.

This is me and calvin in the snow. He is cold and I am holding him close to my chest.

The snow behind me reminds me of my mothers prayer the other day, "Lord allow us to be reminded by the snow that the Lord washes our sins white as snow."

Being home is good. I love family.

I still like Scott. But I think it will go away. In all honesty it is nice to like a boy other than the usual j's and bradley. Yesterday Adyson asked me when I was going to get married and I told her a long time. And Calvin said as long as it taked from you to grow as tall as the ceiling....I think this might be true. But I am not worried...not even one bit...i will get married.

Let's just hope that my husband can handle my family.

Help I have fallen and can't get up.

Bradley is mean lately. I need a break. For boys. What should I do?

My parents are too cool for School.

And it is days like today that remind me of the incredible blessing of my parents. My parents are active saturday goers. They like to get up and go out to breakfast and then take a road trip. Where? Well it depends. Apple picking, garage sailing, just simply driving.

I often hear my friends complaining about their parents. How they hate spending time with them. They simply don't understand them. They often complain about how their parents faith is so overwhelming.

I have never ever felt this once. I love spending time with my parents. They are far cooler than I am. And not only that but I want all of my friends to meet them and spend time with them. Because their faith is so honest and active that when you spend time with them it is refreshing. It is like entering all the wonderful aspects of Christianity, the things that our postmodern generation has forgotten about.

As a child I have never seen the Grace of God so clearly as I do in my parents. They understand the goodness of Christ's mercies.

When I called my father after he lost his job of 27 years, I said, "Dad are you freaking out?" and he said, "No, Annie I know who is in control. This is when my faith increases." Simply amazing, for a daughter to see the blinding faith of her father is wonderful. I often tell this story to my friends, and even as I type this a tear roles down my cheek because I am so thankful.

No matter what I do or do not do my parents will be there. I know this for sure.

As for my mother. Well I would have to write a novel to tell of how wonderful she is. She is beautiful beyond belief, and has no idea, but we all see it. She can make anything fun, a saturday becomes an adventure with her. And her interpretation of scripture is enlightening and fresh. It is because she is so active. She honestly is in love with the Lord. How many people do you meet like that? Few I will tell you.

Anyways I could write forever about the blessings of my parents but I am procrastinating a research paper. So all the to say, thanks mom and dad.

1 Peter 2:3 "Now that you have tasted that the Lord is good."

Dumb-founded

It was in the starbucks of Barne's and Nobles. I had driven three hours with the intentions of ending the relationship. All the reasons accounted for, the pro's and con's list in the passangers seat. It all made sense. Until I saw him. The first glance was through a car that was park in between him and I and even through those two windows of glass I could not resist him.

Naturally we spent the whole day together but the talk, ah the talk, was held at the Starbucks.

"I am not a spiritual leader, Annie. Why doesn't that bother you? Why aren't you with someone that is? You are settling"

I knew this. I was ignoring these questions couldn't he see that? Didn't he know that I was dumbing down that part of my life so that we could be together? Allowing for scripture to take the back burner in my life and conversation with him. It didn't need to though, he wanted to hear what I thought about Christianity.....I don't know why I didn't share. So it was so strange that I as the "Christian" was listening to him "as the....believer but not believer of the personal God" was being called out on scripture. He was commiting our relationship to the Lord. Oh man...Good thing Christ is in charge because obviously I fail.

I still like him. I still hope for a future but I am ok.
I am entering His rest.

This was the perfect afternoon.

VICTORY

VICTORY IN JESUS MY SAVIOR FOREVER!

It has finally come. When I least expect. The Lord broke all ties. I no longer and in love. Who knew that it would take me by surprise. Friendship.....real friendship for the first time.

As the fall approaches memories of jake leak into my mind and they feel different. They feel like a good memory with an old friend. Thank you Lord for your timing. Thank you for fall that now is a month of oppurtunity.

It is so funny that I was so attached to him because now when i think about it I cannot understand why? I am so better than pining.

I feel new.