"Tiny Sailormen"

When I was a child my father hid tiny sailormen in my room
but i cannot forget you; forget not to remember
My head rest back to take in the night and I feel a little wooden piece graze my head
but i cannot feel you
I dress them up. I paint them. But still they remain. The paint chipping and the faces unregonizable.
but i cannot distort you
Years pass and I still come across them
but I cannot misplace you
So I line them up side by side and stare
for i cannot replace you

What is in a birthday.

The first person that ever told me that my words have life was Jessica Robbi Brown.  The first person that ever allowed me to experience empathy was Jessica Robbi Brown. The first person that ever fully pursued my friendship was Jessica Robbi Brown. The best thing that ever happened to me at Montreat College, hands down = Jessica Robbi Brown.

 There are those people that come into you life and quickly exit. There are those people that you are drawn to and then they quickly fade. And then there are the people that in-captivate you and somehow help explain who you are..as though your whole life you have been using right handed scissors when you are so clearly left handed and then you discover left-handed scissors. They have always existed.  Suddenly you simply cannot imagine life with out the correct scissors. Even if you leave them for a while, and start a new journey, you know they are always accessible. They become a part of you because you cannot do anything quite as well with out them. 

And then they turn 23 and you are not there and feel awful. Happy Birthday my dear. I am so sorry I am not there to tell you every minute it is your birthday and sing that incredibly annoying and over played Blink 182 song, "what's my age again?". 

So my dear, pretend I am there today.

 We are wearing crazy hats and dresses with cheetos in the pockets while waiting for the reasons to purchase an oversized, overpriced, and un-environmentally friendly Hummer.

We are drinking horrible wine coolers and talking about how we have changed and remained the same. And somehow we learn a little more about each other. 

We are singing dashboard to strangers warning them of the pains in life. 

We are in bible study watching Opie love the Lord in a way that is so innocent. "Praise God, knock on wood."

And we are driving everywhere. And stopping everywhere. Big Cows, a pretty river, abandoned houses of socks. And we are spending hours in a thrift store laughing so hard that we forget why we were ever sad. 

We are riding bikes around a lake and eating over priced, awful food. And drink blue margaritas. 

I am reading out loud to you. And we find the grace of God in the stories we share. We remember that he is good and active. We pray loud. We scream.

We are exploring random towns are pretending to be different people. We are laughing all the time. And eating footlong hotdogs are taking pictures of things that remind us of excitement. 

We are getting lost in the long corridors of endless words. And we don't talk because at this point a look says it all. 

And I am rescuing you at night from runaway midnight trains. And Ray is there and "We love it."

We get tattoos of images we wish were always with us. 

We are on the beach singing come thou font loud and getting out all our frustration of past loves. We are receiving directions to unknown location from extravagant strangers. And we are dancing. Like crazy. And we are happy. We are together. 

You are my left handed scissors. Thank you for always being there for me. Thank you for being accessible. Thank you for reminding me that I am loved as I am. And that "all the secrets of fitness and all the fitness he requires is to feel his love for you (me rather)."

Thank you for being silly and serious and letting me make mistakes and keeping me accountable. Thank you for for listening and speaking words in my life. Thank you for loving the things I love. Thank you for being constant. Thank you for you love.

I love you, kid. More than this random, silly, blogging site could explain.

 love,

annie

damn dog.

i do not know what my problem is.

i feel like i annoy everyone in the collective sometime. but they always assure me i do not.

i hate it when i am insecure because it is so seldom.

anyways...i feel better about it today.

hope i don't annoy you.

brandon=annie

i love this boy so much.

he is my hope for all guy friends.

it can happen!

let me lead you to hope

some times Jessica i want you to enter my mind. i think about things a lot. i wish that i could explain how my brain works.

---------entering--------------------------------

---->for instance. the whole bradley situation.

-i think about him-
- and then jentil -
-and jentil-
- and then him-

`today i want to run to him and grab him and tell him that it will all be ok and that i can take care of him. yesterday i was content with never talking to him again. hearts are so fickle. or maybe it is not hearts but feelings and emotions...which might be the same. all i know is it always is christmas where i think about my relationships a drastic amount more.


~something that keeps coming up in my mind is bradley and hope. bradley has no hope in people or situations and i do in almost every person and situation. this is one aspect of me i think that bradley really liked and admired. and all i can think these last couple of days is how i want to always be bradleys hope. dating or not dating. romance or friendship. i want him to always be able to call me and know beyond a shadow of a doubt that i will be hopeful in all that he shares. i think i do this already. i think he knows this already. but as the new year approaches i want to do this in my life for more people. be their hope....well not their hope but direct them to the ultimate hope. that no matter how awful the situation they can come to me and i can remind them that there is more. that there is a way out and it has already been conquered.





---------------i hope this allowed you to enter my mind a little.---------------------------------





-one last thing. i want to call bradley and say, " don't worry i will be your hope bradley." i often imagine myself doing this and bradley smiling and saying, "i know, you always are."
=because i love him so much that no matter if i am a permanent part of his life or simply a passing phase i want him happy. i want him to laugh. more and hard. and to not take life so seriously all of the time. and to dance. i want hope in Christ for him.

Frantic Family.

This is me and calvin in the snow. He is cold and I am holding him close to my chest.

The snow behind me reminds me of my mothers prayer the other day, "Lord allow us to be reminded by the snow that the Lord washes our sins white as snow."

Being home is good. I love family.

I still like Scott. But I think it will go away. In all honesty it is nice to like a boy other than the usual j's and bradley. Yesterday Adyson asked me when I was going to get married and I told her a long time. And Calvin said as long as it taked from you to grow as tall as the ceiling....I think this might be true. But I am not worried...not even one bit...i will get married.

Let's just hope that my husband can handle my family.

Help I have fallen and can't get up.

Bradley is mean lately. I need a break. For boys. What should I do?